I actually cant believe it. I cant believe how different my life is now. I cant believe I can even sit here on a MacBook typing this! In my yellow chair, in MY office... MY OFFICE! Life is just so different now.
I often look back and talk about how I used to feel and where I used to be, how my life used to be and how anxiety used to have such a HUGE impact on me and my life and I seriously, cannot quiet believe how different things are now.
There are just a few things I want to say today and to be honest, there couldn't be a better time than right now.
Right now I am;
Sat looking out over my back garden and the skies are pure blue, the sun is shining (in October!) I have classic 90's tunes playing from my Mac, slippers on, hair and make up done, candle lit (vanilla lime, its my fave) and staring at this screen. I know that if someone was to read this, that would think its been exaggerated for effect or impact but its not, this is actually my view and what I am doing right this second. This IS my life now!
The first thing I want to say is THANK YOU.
Thank you for giving me this life. Giving me such tough lessons at such a young age because they have taught me more than anything else in my life. They have taught me that I can do anything I put my mind to and that even when life is tough - you can grow stronger.
I am sooooooo grateful for the love I had as a child and the memories I hold close forever, but I am also so grateful that this story is mine. I am so proud of my journey and I am so proud of the life that was given to me. Even now I face struggles and hard times that have been hard to navigate through but amongst it all, magic has happened and I have found a life that makes me happier than I ever thought could be possible.
For all of this and for everything in-between I am genuinely thankful. My life has been one hell of a ride and I am so glad I stuck it out and made the best of what I had because THIS is a life I wouldn't trade for anything.
Secondly I AM SORRY.
I am so sorry that I doubted this whole process and continue to doubt sometimes. I am sorry that I lost faith and hope and felt like my life was just meant for hard ship, I'm sorry that I became angry and resentful, I let the poison flood me and it completely took over. I don't regret the emotions I felt but I do regret not listening to myself more and trusting that things could and would get better. I didn't give things a chance, I always went straight to the negative and I am sorry I did that. I should have been more open to hear and see the signs you were giving me and now I am. I promise to be more mindful of the signs you give and through all the struggles I still face, I will continue to try and see it for what it is - a lesson and not a punishment.
Lastly I want you to know that I would do it all again.
I wouldn't change my life. I wouldn't change the path I was given or the cards I was dealt.
From losing my Dad and being totally broken, to my relationship with my mum becoming fractured, to feeling alone and anxious a lot of the time, almost ruining the relationship I had with Luke, and for everything else there has been - I wouldn't change it at all.
People used to ask me all the time - would you go back in time, do you wish you could change things and I would always say YES! Things are different now. I am at peace. I know I am who I should be. I know that this journey was made for me and I am so much stronger for it.
I want you to know - I wouldn't swap any of it, it has made me who I am and that is something I will never trade.
I have even recorded myself reading this so that you know that this really is me now!
It is how I feel and it is who I am.
If you want to get to this place and feel these genuine emotions - you can and I will help you get there.
All my love,
You are not alone on this journey.